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Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize