I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
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