I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
