Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
