He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
