I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
