i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
