I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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