if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
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