in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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