I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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