currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
