I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
