I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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