just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
