But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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