Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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