I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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