we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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