Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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