The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
