the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You need Xanax blowdarts
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
