they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
