Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
