The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
