It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
