Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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