I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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