I wish my penis had an off switch
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
He has the fingertips of a God
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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