Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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