Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
