Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
