glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Randomize
