I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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