My nipple is on Facebook.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I love you.
Bad choice
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