Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
