I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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