I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize