I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Buhtt sex?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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