Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Randomize
