Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
