I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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