She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
