I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
