Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
