yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
