I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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