Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I don't deserve a penis
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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