my vag is so smooth its legendary
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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