How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
