i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Randomize
