I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
