Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
