I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Randomize
