I accidentally burped into my bong.
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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