Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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