is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
he just fucked me for my cheese.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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