Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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