Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Randomize
