State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
