I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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