Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
